A Chilli War to Remember
One little taste, I wanted more,
Six jars of chilli walked out the door!
Classmate teased, then joined the fight,
Boss bought steel brooms — what a sight!
Meet the Classmate Behind the Chilli War
Before you wonder who this troublesome Classmate is, we've known each other since Secondary One — 53 years of friendship, teasing and endless nonsense!
Curious how we survived each other for so long?
Read: Still Alive Or Not? — 53 Years of Friendship
Still Alive Or Not? — 53 Years Of Friendship
It Started With One Innocent Recommendation…
Classmate and I used to meet regularly for makan and chit-chat, usually disagreeing over something or other.
Years ago, I patronised a Malay food stall with help-yourself sambal.
Big mistake — for the stall lady!
I piled so much sambal onto my rice that one day, when she spotted me approaching, she quietly hid the container!
When Classmate heard this story, he teased me endlessly.
Little did he know his turn was coming.
Chilli Is Never Enough
One day, Classmate recommended a food stall.
“Come, try this one.”
The food was good, but the real star was the chilli paste!
I looked at the chilli. Then at Classmate.
“What now? My face got chilli ah?”
“Think Boss sells his chilli paste?”
“What? Eat here still not enough?”
“Chilli is never enough.”
Normal customers finish makan and go home.
Aunty started negotiating for the condiments!
Never mind that Boss didn't even sell chilli paste by the jar.
From “Volcano Ah?” to Volcano Owner
Classmate used to say I might as well skip the main course and eat chilli.
Years later, guess who became a chilli lover himself?
The very same fellow!
Aunty said nothing.
Just… blink, blink.
Karma doesn't always come around.
Sometimes it comes in a bowl of chilli paste.
Operation Chilli Paste
So Aunty marched over to the stall.
Behind me, Classmate was probably preparing his Superman costume. He knew trouble was coming.
“Hi, Boss…”
Sweetest smile. Mouth still on fire.
“Do you sell your chilli paste?”
“Not at the moment. Very troublesome to prepare leh.”
I know lah. Otherwise I make myself already.
CONTROL, AUNTY. SMILE.
“Please lah… one bowl?”
“No.”
“Half a bowl?”
“No.”
“Five tablespoons?”
Finally, Boss surrendered.
“Okay lah. Come back next Monday. I make it in batches.”
SUCCESS!
Then came the dangerous question.
“How many jars you want?”
“JARS?! Can buy by the jar ah?”
“One for Mama, one for me, one for Hubby, one for my daughter, one for my son…”
Pause.
“…one for my neighbour's cat.”
“Six jars, please!”
Classmate nearly dropped his imaginary Superman cape.
“I THOUGHT YOU WANTED FIVE TABLESPOONS?!”
“Plans change.”
And I can just imagine Boss preparing his next batch…
Blender roaring. Wok sizzling. Boss sweating.
Staff: “Wah, so many customers buying chilli?”
Boss: “No lah… got one Aunty.”
One jar at home, one at the office, one at the site office — and three spare.
I believe in being prepared for emergencies.
My Chilli Supplier
And just like that, I became one of Boss's regulars.
Not exactly for his food.
For his chilli.
Classmate continued eating there regularly. After all, the stall was near his home.
Until one day, he casually told me,
“Boss shifted.”
I froze.
Looked at him.
He looked at me.
Before I could even open my mouth…
“NOT MY FAULT HOR!”
OI! Why so defensive?! I hadn't even said anything!
Perhaps he already knew what was coming.
“WHERE MY CHILLI GO?!”
And Then… My Supply Disappeared
By then, Boss's chilli paste had become my kitchen essential.
Rice? Add chilli.
Noodles? Add chilli.
Bread? Also add chilli.
Don't ask. Chilli lovers will understand.
Then suddenly…
SUPPLY DISCONTINUED!
HOW?!
Classmate even tried to locate Boss for me, but without success.
“See lah… Boss went into hiding already!”
Probably changed stall, changed address, changed identity…
All because one Aunty asked for five tablespoons and ended up buying six jars!
I tried other chilli pastes after that.
Some were nice. Some were spicy. Some were quite good.
But nothing could replace Boss's chilli paste.
Nothing.
My Chilli Came Back… But I Couldn't!
Then one day, Classmate brought exciting news.
“Eh, I found Boss!”
WHAT?!
My long-lost chilli supplier had returned to his neighbourhood!
Under the sea no more.
THE CHILLI HAD RESURFACED!
Only one problem.
I was still recovering from leg surgery and couldn't simply rush over for a reunion with my beloved chilli paste.
Classmate knew that.
Did he show sympathy?
Of course not!
Every time he went there for makan…
PING!
Photo of chilli.
Next visit…
PING!
Another photo. Sometimes a BIG bowl!
Can see. Cannot eat.
And I could almost hear him singing…
“Lalalalalala…”
Hello, my dear Secondary School teacher?
I know it's been 53 years, but I'd like to make a return.
This classmate is defective.
No exchange necessary.
Refund also don't need. Just take him back!
Boss… Aunty Is Coming Back!
Boss, you wait. You wait.
One day, Aunty will return to your stall and irritate—
Ahem.
I mean, patronise your stall again.
But first, let me make one thing clear.
Whatever Classmate did during my absence was entirely his own doing. Nothing to do with me!
So please…
No broom. No mop.
And one small request.
DON'T LET HIM PUT ON HIS SUPERMAN COSTUME!
Because the moment trouble starts, he'll disappear faster than Superman can fly!
Leaving you and Aunty to face the music!
Then, from somewhere behind the stall…
“Pssst… Boss… don't sell to her. I need a bigger supply.”
Aunty slowly turns around.
Classmate gives his most innocent smile.
KABOOM!
Meanwhile, Back at the Stall…
Boss picked up his phone and called the hardware shop.
“Hello! I want to order two industrial-grade steel brooms. Heavy-duty ones, hor!”
His staff overheard.
“Boss, why suddenly need steel brooms?”
“Next week got two customers coming.”
“Very troublesome ah?”
“One wants all my chilli. The other wants to change into Superman.”
Staff thought for a moment.
“Boss… better order THREE!”
Meanwhile, the innocent chilli sat quietly in the fridge.
“Can somebody PLEASE explain why my workplace is upgrading its security system?!”
KABOOM!
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